I just saw a hot homeless man
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize