my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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