I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize