He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
