theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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