I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
