I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
