i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Randomize
