Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
