I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
we should paint friendship bongs
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
