You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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