Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
