i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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