I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I need moral support for this bender
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
