Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
