Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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