Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
