the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
And then the night went full on bisexual.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Couch. On fire.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
