ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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