I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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