In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize