I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
