i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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