Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
