bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
