if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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