two words: eviction party
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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