just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
