The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
