K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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