i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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