I'm sorry my penis didn't work
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
