oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
