and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
