hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
