Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I lost the right to judge tonight
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