she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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