I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
