If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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