Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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