I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize