my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
