someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Randomize
