god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
