dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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