I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
