Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
