apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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