I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
