guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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