i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
