never play flip cup with pint glasses
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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