i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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