Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
