toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
