my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
They are going to name an STD after you.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
