I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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