I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
