Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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