I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She bit a glass in half.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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